One year ago

One year ago, I was on my own. I built walls to protect myself, not to keep people out. It was not my fault my perspective on love has changed. I swear it's not. But then you came, crashed my walls, and I thought you were the knight in shining armor I was waiting for.

One year ago, everything was exciting. My eyes lit up whenever I saw you, but all you did was to stare at the sky watching the fireworks on New Year's Eve.

One year ago, your words were as sweet as the heart-shaped chocolate covered strawberries I saw on candy stores on Valentine's Day. I told you they were all I wanted, but you weren't listening.

One year ago, I was the only person that can brighten up your day. Just like the way the flowers bloom on a hot saturday afternoon dring springtime. You thought they were beautiful, so you picked them out, took their petals out one by one, leaving them withered on the grass.

One year ago, our affection was as searing as the hot blazing sun on April. All I felt was your warm embrace, and all you did was to suffocate.

One year ago, May was your favorite month. You got sick and I took care of you like a mother on Mother's Day. And I asked myself, would you also do the same?

One year ago, we thought of our future. I said I wanted you in it, but I didn't know if you would go with me. I wanted to grow, but you were contented with the comfort of the present. I wanted to be free, but you said the past was clinging on to you.

One year ago, it was the happiest night of my life, the night I turned 18. Everything was perfect, until you snapped me out into the reality. You told me that everything is just temporary. That everything would change, I never thought you were going to be one of those things.

Halfway through the year I thanked you for saving me. I was yours and yours alone. I surrended everything just to keep you with me, and to give what you think you deserved. You took them all, every single thing I had to give. I gave you my freedom.

One year ago, I realized I was changing too. My emotions were as chaotic as rain outside my front porch. I wanted to escape from it, but you were the mud that kept holding onto my knees.

One year ago, I wanted everything to be finished. But you said you only did it because you loved me. You wanted to keep me. You wanted me all to yourself whenever you felt like it. You wanted all parts of my body, my soul, my entirety. I thought it was love too. I thought it was.

One year ago, November was the month you took me out of those walls. Our anniversary. I was hesitant to come with you at first, but you said you were the knight, and I was your damsel in distress.

December came and this is the fifth cigarette in my hand today. Every smoke I inhaled was the same kind of love I got from you 365 times a year. You were addicting, but you were slowly killing me. I wanted to stop but I can't. I just can't find the strength to let go.

I loved cigarettes and you were my nicotine.

#blog #love #life #anniversary