Between loving and staying

Being in a long-term relationship wasn't as easy as I thought it would.

I thought the feelings from the very first day you both confessed your love for each other would always stay the same, keeping that spark alive.

I thought the eyes that lured me into this hurricane of chaos and passion you call "love" would always stare at me like I was the only star that lit up his darkest nights.

I thought the words that put me to bed peacefully would always be the bedtime stories I'd reminisce to whenever I feel unsure of myself.

I thought "love" was constant, a never ending vibration between two people. Creating echoes of memories that kept both partners together. But even the nightingale's song has it's end, putting everything at rest.

The last time I changed myself for a guy was the first time I felt my heartstrings broke. It was the first time I doubted my worth and told myself that I wasn't good enough. It was the first time I cried for weeks, locked the world out, and let my anxieties drown me. Nicotine and alcohol were the only friends I could turn to, and luckily they were always there to come to my rescue.

After weeks of depression, skipping meals, and cutting classes, I promised myself that I wouldn't let this happen to me ever again. I was even stronger when I came back to the world, and more independent as I thought I would become. Then YOU happened.

YOU were my first kiss, first sex, first anniversary, first everything. I gave it all up because YOU were the person whom I thought was different. YOU were the person that constantly confessed your love to me whenever I doubted it. YOU were those eyes that lured me into this storm, aggressive and chaotic, still I danced in it. YOU were those words I listened to before going to sleep and hoped that I still get the chance to hear them tomorrow.

I don't expect you to treat me like a queen. I want you during rainy days to drink a hot cup of coffee with me and play movies we aren't even going to watch. I want you to listen to my rants and pretend that you understand every bit of it just to make me feel secured and at ease. I want you to make me feel safe whenever anxieties come by on a busy Monday night. I want you to laugh even on the tiniest things that make me happy as well. I want you to be interested in things that help me escape out of the mediocrity. I want you to be part of my world, like you were really born to naturally exist in it. I want you to be part of it, and be happy with what I have to offer.

But then again, "want" has a big difference with "need".

Almost 13 months into this trip with you and I still can't fathom into words the feelings I get whenever I'm with you. You're reckless at the same time gentle. You drag me in and the next thing you push me out. I was always there, no matter where you go or what you do, I'm always with you. I wanted to be as passionate as you during the first three months of our relationship. I wanted to put in as much effort as you did during our special days and make you feel appreciated. You made me feel like the sun, but now I revolve around you. You are my world now.

Just remember these words: No matter what you say to me, I'd always understand. No matter what you'll do to me, physically or emotionally, I'd take it. Just remember that I was once a star that burned out because someone took me for granted. Now that I rekindled my spark, please take care of it. Treat me the way I deserve to be treated and never let me go. Because once I burn out, you'd never find anyone like me, ever again.

#blog #love