February 20th

February 20, 2015 -- if we could ever go back to the exact time before my biggest nightmare turned into a dreadful reality, I would take back all the words that made you feel vulnerable and irrelevant. I would turn them into kisses and morning hugs because I now desperately want to take all the pain away, simply because you don't deserve them at all. I want you to know that it has only been three days but it already felt like three heart piercing years. I already missed the way you never forget about starting your day already making me feel special. You would simply greet me “good morning” and go through your daily routine of stalking your way into my social media accounts. I already missed the way we would send each other nonsense messages about how our days were going, just to assure that we were both alright. And of course, I wouldn’t miss my favorite part of my day. I would go home and immediately look at my messages. When I finally see your name, my exhaustion goes away. I don’t know how you do it, but there’s always something about you that makes everyday sweeter and better.

Three days without your messages made me want to lock myself up inside the four walls of my room. It surely wouldn’t keep the sadness away because every inch my room effortlessly reminds me of you. I liked being alone in there; in a way I see it, it was like being alone with you. The world didn’t stop turning and I was falling behind. I would cry myself to sleep only to find out that the sun still rises at dawn. But to me, what was the point of facing another day, if I would not be able to spend it with you.

Truly I was an idiot for thinking that I could do this by myself. The moment I knew I was losing you, was the exact moment I began losing myself. To me we were inseparable, two ticking time bombs waiting to explode, yet we were still everything I wanted us to be, I just didn’t had the eyes to see it just yet. You did everything to keep me happy, even if it took all that you had. Apologies wouldn’t make up for even half of the chaos that I caused.

I want you in my mornings again, and in my stressful nights.

I want you in my room again, where we could both be truly naked and it was as if the whole world outside never existed.

I want you again.

I want you back for life.

And if it’s the same to you, I want to give this love endless chances. If that’s what it takes to be with you until the end.

#journal #blog