Making it out alive

Looking back into the previous semester I have positively no concrete memory of how it actually went. Figuratively, my body is halfway buried into this quicksand of endless procrastination with zero stress whatsoever. I miss the late night drives from school, the traffic that managed to make every little vein in my head to almost melt out of my ears, and the never ending pile of homework and reviews that I have to finish before the sun rises again, commencing the everyday cycle of dealing with people and pretending you are ecstatic about it.

Summer has been great so far. I’ve been to different places with different people and it has been amazing. My greatest fear of lying around the house for four whole consecutive months didn’t happen, which I am grateful for. Although, now that I am halfway through this break, I am getting anxious about some things. I have been thinking of “what ifs” and “hopefully not's” for the next couple of months to come. Since I really cannot get them out of my head, I figured making a list would somehow put me out of my misery.

1. What if this semester sucks? A.K.A. I don’t get along well with my new block mates, although we already know each other and have been through some stuff but what if it happens. I really hope no conflict comes up with my friends.

2. What if I don’t get everything together? What if something comes up making it difficult to focus on school and everything else I need to balance? Hopefully everything runs smoothly this year and I don’t screw it up. This year is crucial for me.

3. What if the stress becomes too much to handle and I get too tired of it all? Hoping that I’ll have a good source of encouragement for this one. Although I already have good motivational factors but, I hope they’ll be good enough.

4. What if I forget the reason why I started this in the first place? I hope I’ll remember that this is what I want in order to get the life I’ve always dreamed of.

5. What if I fail at something and disappoint everyone counting on me? Hopefully the prayers come through, and God’s plan also comes through. Whatever it is, I know it is what’s right for me and what is best for my future.

The list is just something to give you a mental image of what’s happening in my head right now, I just couldn’t keep it anymore. Talking about it to others just makes it worse because obviously I have to make them/you understand and that is just frustrating. Sometimes things are better off not sharing you know. I’m figuring this out on my own and although I am capable of writing this down, in my head, it’s just one big blur. One big Polaroid of anxiety and paranoia that I couldn’t just shake off.

Honestly, these things sometimes keep me up at night. At one point in your life you think you already have things figured out and you have the effective solution to everything. You worry about nothing and there is absolute certainty that you are going to get whatever it is that you want in life. The next day everything just—DROPS. You’ve been juggling your college career for two years and one day comes, all the bowling pins are on the floor. For one thing you feel great, because juggling is exhausting, and you finally have nothing to deal with. But once everybody notices that you dropped everything, the first thing that comes in your mind is to pick everything up and start juggling again. That “thing” makes me paranoid. Believe me. I am more worried about what other people think of me than what I think of myself, that is how socially anxious I am.

Pushing it for the “future me” on the next day does not help either. All I know is I don’t like the feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen, and who’s going to make it happen. Three more years of this unshakable melancholy seems unbearable.

I’m just afraid I’ll barely make it out alive.

#blog #journal